http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/living_with_chronically_ill/86142
Published on: November 30, 2001
This article is aimed at people who
are in a "partner" relationship while either suffering from chronic illness
themselves or else being the partner of a chronically ill person.
The taboo subject
The more I talk with and read about
chronically sick people and people who live with them, the more I feel
that the physical side of sexual relationships has become a taboo subject.
Responses vary from the uncomfortable feeling you get when opening up a
subject that nobody talks about any more, to the cynical laughter of an
abandoned sick person or a frustrated well partner. However, having said
that, I think its vitally important to remember that chronically ill people
and their partners are not the only ones who have problems with sex. In
fact many people have problems in this area, especially:
- Those with young children - Those
who's love lives have cooled off - Those who are apart from reasons of
differing working patterns or locations, - Single people - The elderly.
We can see that chronically-ill people
and their partners are just one among many categories of people who have
to pay special attention to their sex lives if they are to find fulfilment
in a physical relationship. Some people in this situation actually end
up using "the illness" as an excuse or a cover for other underlying sexual
problems. It's a terrible thing to blame a sick person for failure to work
out a fulfilling sexual relationship when the real reason may be something
quite different and secretly, the well person is quite pleased not to have
to bother any more.
A nurturing relationship
Fundamental to all people is the
importance of nurturing the relationship. In fact a relationship which
is not nurturing and mutually supportive can be frustrating and de-motivating.
We all want someone who loves us for ourselves and who is always "on our
side" whatever the world around us throws at us. While sex will usually
be one expression of such a relationship, its important to remember that
a nurturing relationship can carry on while sex has become difficult or
even ceased to feature at all.
The false truce
However, when sex become difficult,
its all too easy for the couple to fall into what I call a "false truce"
on sex. By this I mean, when sex has become difficult for a variety of
different reasons, its quite common for the couple to agree that "it doesn't
really matter any more", and to leave each other alone. I feel that this
is dangerous position to adopt in a relationship. It might be easier to
"give up" in this way, but too often it leads to denial of quite legitimate
feelings, and it can open the door to other relationships, particularly
on the part of the well-partner, who can all too easily class the "false
truce" as permission to find sexual gratification elsewhere.
Not giving up
Its vitally important that the chronically
ill person does not entirely give up on their sexual identity if that is
at all possible. They should still try to do the little they can, even
in small things like grooming and clothing, a small amount of effort can
often show your partner that you are still a sexual being who has needs
which are to be met. I am well aware that someone who's feeling sick, pained
and tired this can all be too much, but I would like to point out that
to give up entirely on this aspect of your life is to give up on something
quite important both to your partner and to yourself. There is probably
something you can do to act as a sexual partner and you need to make at
least some effort to maintain this side of your relationship. Its not possible
in this article to discuss the various ways in which people can have a
sexual relationship despite mobility problems, pain and fatigue, but there
are many sources of help, particularly for the more disabled people.
Sticking with it
The well partner also needs to remember
that the sick person is still their lover and sexual partner. OK, they
might be "out of action" most of the time, but the well person needs to
remember that they still have a wife, husband or lover, and that this is
a matter for pride and self-respect. Even though the other person may not
be what they used to be, they're still yours and can give you much in the
way of positive feed-back and self-esteem. Apart from anything else, did
you not at some point in the relationship vow to stay with them whatever
happened? It will do you no good to abandon ship when things get rough,
but on the other hand, to be the kind of person who is faithful throughout
these tough times will give you invisible and unexpected rewards over your
years together. It may be trite so say this, but people are watching you
to see how you react to this time of trial, particularly other family members,
children and friends, all of whom will respect you if you manage to be
faithful during the period of illness.
Let's face it though, there will
be times when a sexual relationship is just downright impossible. This
presents a new situation and its not my job to offer trite answers to this
problem. Ultimately each person has to work out for themselves what they
have to do, but I would just point out again that its essential to have
a philosophical approach to life which will allow you to carry on through
good times and bad with a similar attitude to both. Nothing carries on
forever in this life and I believe that sooner or later change occurs,
often in unexpected ways. By bailing out too soon you may miss out on some
circumstance which will more than compensate you for the difficult times.
The strength of family
I think its easy to forget the strength
of family in these days, but I believe that when you make a family (of
even just two people), you undertake to stick with it whatever the cost.
This is often not an easy thing to do, but when trouble of any kind comes
on a family they need to pull together and stay around to help their partners.
If anyone reading this article would
like to discuss these matters further with me, please feel free to email
me, or else to click the "discuss this article" link at the bottom of this
page.
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Author: Tom Cunliffe